A letter to my confused 14 year old gay-self
Dear Lucas, it’s me: yourself from the future.
I hope you find this letter, so that the shit that hurt me in the past won’t hurt you in the future. Yup, I know… time traveling through the art of writing letters can be confusing, but hang on. As a soon-to-be 35 year old veteran, I know what kinds of crazy stuff a gay boy can go through in the 2000’s. Specially in a country where bigotry is disguised in so many ways.
It’s been over 20 years now, but I clearly remember when you changed schools back in the year 2000. Now that 2001 is starting you must be really confused and anxious for so many reasons. Thus, please, allow me to address each one of your major worries so I can soothe your teenage heart.
High School sucks but it also has an end
So you’re in your first year of High School! Congrats dude, you made it through middle school and now you’re among the big guys — except you don’t feel like them. In High School, peer pressure is almost palpable but worry not: you will not see 95% of those people as soon as you go to college. So try having a good time and study for your tests because some of them can be tough.
Oh yes, and PLEASE, I know you want to fit in so hard. Just remember that you don’t need to be funny all the time and that there is a difference between having a good belly laugh with your friends and your friends having a laugh at you.
You can enjoy what you like
Here is a little secret for you: enjoy what you like and screw the rest of the World. Do you really think I forgot you liked Hanson so, so much but always listened to them on your headphones because you feared someone would figure you out? Let me tell you again: it doesn’t really matter. No one really cares. Everyone is just too busy living their own lives to really pay attention to what you’re doing.
I remember you were really picking up a good pace in your swimming classes but you were way too shy! Please, don’t be! Own your body. That little belly of yours is not as large as you think — and even if it was, it’s still yours. So don’t be shy and move. Practice as hard as you like and just have a good time. Teenage years go by so, so fast. Don’t waste them being shy!
It’s not anger that you feel
So instead of listening to Hanson, Savage Garden and N’Sync, you started listening to Marilyn Manson, Nine Inch Nails, Korn and Cradle of Filth. Fine, they are good. You may wear black as much as you want, but boy… this feeling you have deep inside is not anger. This is just sadness, loneliness and fear of rejection. You don’t know how to handle it, so you just feel anger. It’s fine. You’ll learn how to deal with it.
Also, you are not alone. Many more boys and girls feel the way you do and it doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you or any of them. It’s just another way of feeling and experiencing the World.
Trust your parents, but not always
Your parents are fine. They have been taking care of most of your needs since you were born, but they are not perfect and your well-being should come first, so hear me out.
Dad studied to be ordained a priest in his school years. Mom is the sum of all prejudices embodied in one lady. She is racist, misogynist, despises gay men and has pretty much a narcissistic take on life. So, please be smart and don’t come out to them. Some families do accept gay children, some don’t and it is fine. Your worth does not lie in your family’s acceptance of your sexuality.
When you feel you will not be accepted, it’s okay to work towards your financial independence and live life as you want once you’re out on your own. Don’t put your mental health in risk just for your parents’ love.
People love people, not genders
You will hear more often than you can ever imagine about how sinful and wrong it is to feel the way you feel. This will cause you to become obsessed with your own sexuality and the gay label itself. This obsession will cause you to feel so confused that you will repress your feelings both with boys and girls.
In the end of the year, you will feel confused because you will fall in love with your best girl-friend from school. You will keep yourself away from her because you believe it is impossible for you to be in love with a girl, since you are gay. But guess what? You missed on a great opportunity to go on a date with a charming girl.
Because of heartless preachers, you will also keep yourself from dating some cute boys. And this is such a pity, because time never goes back.
Mental confusion sucks, but it also ends (just like High School)
Don’t worry so much. Life is too short to be taken so seriously. Maybe at 15 years of age you worry that you will never be able to marry, have children and be independent from your parents but you will.
The year is 2021 and as much as it feels far away, time flies. Life is still worth living. You’ve been married to a gorgeous, loving and dedicated wife for the last 8 years. You do have a spirited little boy running around the house making all sorts of mess, just like you dreamed of. And yes, you did manage to free yourself from the shackles of Christianity.
OMG… A WIFE? You must be asking? Yup… a wife. But am I still gay? In my deepest respect to the LGBT community, maybe I should not label myself gay anymore. But that doesn’t really matter, does it? Love is what really matters in the end. And I feel I have finally found it.
